Just read some old posts......

My old posts are super sad..... i was in a very very dark place.....


whoa. seriously made me rethink my life.....

love it all

Im BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaack

So first of all im gonna try something a little bit different


Im gonna rap/ rhyme the blog today im in need of a new way to figure out rhymes so lets do it....

First and foremost I have this little blonde bombshell
Shes cute, and fun when she thinks no one can tell
My feelings for her i wish i could just yell
but theres somethings she should hear herself

no this isnt about anything shes done
but im figuring ways to get to my number 1
lively the one word describing u is stun
cause when u walk in the room my heart is just done

I gotta get in shape maybe go for a run
cause its beatin so fast its like someones pointin a gun
that adrenaline rush from that web that u spun
cause when ur around theres no need for the sun

You brighten up my days
with ur doe eyed gaze
Ur my partner in the maze
soul sister plays
theres a reason god put me here in this place......

Hahaha that was actually easier tahn expected.... ok

project over... or is it?
no one really knew this white kid could spit it
even when theres no beat i hit it
thinking it was easy well now i done did it....


BOOM!

D-Fizz

Got In

So I got in to the conservatory.  In exactly 1 year from october 9th I will be in the recording studio dream. My dream. My Passion. I will miss the buckeye state. I will miss all my friends but now its time for me to run and never look back.

D

Here's to the night!

well to begin the correct way of living for me it begins with smiling and finding a reason to smile.

Me and AE have called it quits... we were never official just talking or whatever. Distance for us would have worked but we both care enough to know that i may never be coming back.

On the other hand AJ and I have really started to connect. Im not playing the whole i need to get her to be my gf game and shes satisfied with it. I look at her as a really good friend who is a blast to hang out with and study with. I mean she got me to go to the library from 12am-6am then we had an hours worth of heart to heart convo. Shes a great girl and is really understanding my situation because shes been there, is still there and is moving on through me..... Is it possible that i found an amazing girl in the middle of the chaos? Only time will tell.

HCS if u still read this.... hope ur well. Its been forever. Good luck in cali and with everything i'll be right behind u if u need to look back and get ur perspective. Just remember that one day i'll transform ya.... :)

Music=amazing.... people are slightly leaning towards joe to make it big..... Thats only because they havent heard Status: The Inferno  yet. Its in the works lol

Just understand that im me, no one can ever be, i will move forward simply, easily, greatly.... And when i make it.... every one will see.......

D-Fizz

Who am I kidding

For real though I cant begin to imagine life away from Ohio.... Arizona is going to happen and Im still figuring out what about me makes me go.....

Live for me...
Love for her...
Laugh for all....

Loving all my true friends not just the ones here to say hi when they need me.....

Pretending to be ok with life....

DSF

Friends first

So I am loving my new found swagger lol..... Basically Im not worried about image and one person anymore I move forward even though its hard not to look back. I miss u but im moving my feet and deciding to leave it all behind. Im trying to leave u alone because of something that makes me feel good inside. Idk I know this one is short but I gotta go to work.....

D

Looking back now it makes me laugh

I used to try and find reasons why my life wasnt what I wanted it to be..... Not any longer

I move for me, choose for me, live for me.....

It turns out im pretty good at this rap thing and im starting to gain confidence with it so thats good news.....

Relationships sucks because they always leave blame and sorrow for one another..... Im sorry but Im done caring about what went wrong.... Think ur better off with him? then by all means go for it.....

AE and I went to dinner after I got off tonight its nice to know that she really is a sweet girl not in it to break away and gain what she wants from someone..... I was starting to lose hope

Finally im just gonna say this because u need to hear it more than I do.... Let me go... Let u go.... Please dont give us a fighting chance im so tired of being the only one trying to be a friend its ridiculous..... let us go.

Im beaten at my own game, swallowed by his name, leaving behind this timeframe, where u and I were same
Fade off ol boy, look on to joy, take whats left and run, it doesnt matter when its all said and done.......

See u at the finish line.....

DSF.....

Ps. Just know that this is now in your court.... It is on ur shoulders not mine.... Im finally ahead of what I call life

Simply Fun

The last couple of days have been kind of crazy.... I've had old loves leave me to wonder what is next if I will ever have them to hold again or whatever......

I've had old crushes come back and grab my attention. Im doing well with it. just playing cards to stay in the hand kinda thing. Im not too sure that when I find what I want that I'll be really happy because what I want is music......

I miss everything about just being able to chill with great friends to some really good music, miss the fact that moving and living for me is what I do not what I need to do.

Im ok with not talking to u. I dont want answers I just want friendship..... eventually

I know that Im a safe backup plan. Its ok


I dont wanna be a backup because when Im someones first and only plan like they will be mine then I'll truly feel like I should when you feel so strongly for someone......


Beaten, Bruised, Broken, Torn
Living, Learning, Loving,
Believe.

D

Confusion

Im so confused......

First off what did i do?
Second ur right space is better for both of us
Third What do i do now?

Neglect

Life is great right now..... well school not so much but everything else is amazing..... great girl, great job, great friends, great family............ Im loving this last month together and will love the 9 weeks apart.... Trust me im trying to convince myself of the second part


Please come home lol

Cinco de Mayo

Its the day of getting wasted on tequila and coronas...... Waitin on the girls to be ready

GAME TIME!!!!

D

Places

Haha so i think im gonna join the break dance club.... oh shit.... I havent done that in so long and i was never really that good. Wish me luck....

Work is going great. Im seeing more hours because im good at it....

School is well school lol

I am also going to push hard with p90x this week..... 12 pounds cant be all im gonna drop....

short post this time cause im not feeling it

D

Its about damn time......

For starters Im doing really well emotionally... I have gone on the rollercoaster and am seeing the end of the tunnel. Im becoming me again and its so nice to see that I still have it. It being the swagger and substance to meet new people and do school.

So moving on.... I have started to realize that me and ashley have something refreshing going on.... We dont have to be talking 24/7 to understand how we feel. We're just letting it happen and it feels great. Only bad thing that I can see out of it is that she doesnt talk me out of buying new shoes lol. God my new kicks are so fresh. Sole Classics is the place to be so thanks for that intro. I bought all navy dunks that have orange white and gray tiger stripes running through them.... They're insane and freshley snipes lol.

I feel somewhat like im getting back on track and need to continue this pace because its better for me this way.

My friends all have my back and it feels good to know that they are just as salty as I am. The only person who knows everything is chris and he has been telling me since day one to just move on. Im listening now and owe him a huge thank u.

Hope all is well....

DSF

This one is for me

Well D ur an idiot.... U've let this girl walk all over u from day one.  It ends today.......

Im so sick of feeling like i dont belong around someone because of how they feel.... NEWS FLASH he'll control u just give it time....

So today I have to do Hw and work on AE shes legit as hell.  Im not gonna rush this shit im just gonna let it ride into where i think will be good time to strike.

Ive surrounded myself with an amazing crowd the last couple weeks excuse me for trying to include anyone else....

Life is good. Im better now because this feeling inside me just vanished..... Im over it and done feeling incomplete because ur too dumb to realize who i am. Who he is and why ur attracted to him. so fuck it let him touch u and take calls at dinner, let him run all over u while ur trying to accomplish ur dream.

Smooth as the Cruise boat floats when Im walking.....

D

Its YOU Again :)

I have one sentence to write in this blog....

Its good to see the girl I fell for.

D

........

Ok so that wasnt a shot at u saying that ur doing things wrong im just asking why its me u know? I understand that i give amazing advice and push u to get what u want. I also understnad that u know that and its ok for u to come to me with it but in the same token think about what u really want....

Do u want to have to search for a peson that consoles u when im gone if he doesnt? Like i just feel that if u were given the right advice in the beginning then it would have changed things with our convos.....

On to other things... Im pretty sure the progress with ashley is gone because we didnt hang out last night after softball..... Jamie didnt want to so i didnt..... that was dumb

I pitched last night and we won.... Never done it before lol.

GO BUCKS!

D

What is this feeling in the pit of my stomach?

Ok after starting off on the right foot today I ended on a really low one. Idk why i allowed myself to sink into another funk.  I thought things were going great but thats not the case. Evidently i cant have these butterflies. Nor can I have happiness without it being tainted in some manner.... It hurts that im on the hook for the problems but not for the good times.... Why am I the subject of the drama when u "have" him? Is he supposed to just accept u without the things that ur telling me? Im so confused.... Yeah im here for u and always will be. What is the answer for me? Why am I the one that needs to console u.... why do i have to push u? Why are u coming to me with this?

Its not that I dont want u to but im just asking why?

Im trying to give u the freedom and dthe space that u would want and need. But evidently Im the only person who will tell u what u need to hear. If u really felt like this was a good decision because of feelings then u wouldnt have come to me with this.... He would have been there texting u or talkin to u about it.

Next I think I need to just man up and realize that im supposed to be the backbone for me right now.... sure Ashley is great and shes fun and a good person.... If I'm so happy with this why am i sstill talking to anyone else? What am I looking for? Why do I feel like the person to cater to the problems because u dont want him to feel like ur unstable?..... It sucks for me to be that guy....

I miss it all I wish it all were back to normal but u know what? I am here but one day I need to be free......

One day....

Date Night

WARNING IF U DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY DATE NIGHT THEN CONTINUE DOWN PAGE lol!!!!!!!!!

First things first i miss u! Thats all about that :)

Im goin on a date tonight... First one since HCS Im excited actually she seems like a legit girl. Low maintenance and isnt really into drama... Im kind of excited because we're going to see date night and then im taking her home... No good night kiss no nothing lol.... Im gonna do this one right try building up to that point. Shes cool and totally understands about everything. Ummm..... shes also trying to go to a reds game then kings island soon with Hindinho and her friend so itll be a good time.

Other than that some of the servers at eddies have expressed interest... im not tryin to do anything cause they are sending me pix of themselves... enough said no im not into hoes lol


HERES WHERE TO START IF THE LOVE LIFE IS SKIPPED LOL!!!!!

Lets see ive seen a drastic change in my body... im dropping weight and getting lean. Up to 10 pounds now... only 15 more....  

Music is goin i have about 18 songs down that can actually work on an album...  Beats are the hard part.... I need to either get a mac and use garageband or actually buy protools which is like a grand either way.... shit i may get both....

Chris and i are talking about living together next year which will be sweet. Ummm what else

Im applying to grad school in 5 places.... OSU, Texas, UCLA, AKRON, MIAMI.....

Hopefully i get in

Theres the update :)

Dante

Hello I am dante and Im addicted to getting hurt

Its Dante... no ty in the beginning.... thanks

Finally Fast dot com

Ok so its been a little bit of time since i really poured myself into this. I just want to start with me

Im doing well enjoying the time I have left because tomorrow im getting closer to death... Not that much closer but nonetheless closer lol. I've been acting a fool killing my mind of new and different ways to meet new people. I think the job will certainly help that but idk if it will get me out of my shell.... Im starting to realize that all the little insecurities of blame and guilt that i've had with relationships is really changing how i act. So im starting to make an effort to be the party..... So now the party dont start till i walk in....

I used to have the school first then everything after mentality and im getting back to it. I just needed someone to wake me up for it. Thanks HCS. Next in regards to your post HCS ur life will change if u let it. One piece of advice if u choose to take it run with it if not its totally cool. Dont settle for anything less than what u want. If ur gonna make it then make it. Allow ur mind to change about everything in ur life and u may see a soft spot in the fashion world for u to burst onto the scene....

Chi Chi is cool. Im not going after her title or one for me. I just dont need that lol. I realized that life is too short to be spent shadowed by ghosts of the past. Everyone has them but I want to be the 1 not 1 of the 4 or whatever number. So im gonna wait until the right moment for me. 

Im on this plane like an indian
Flyin out to cali no I aint a thespian
Game is clutch ur not safe if ur a lesbian
Catchin all my lines quick call urself an ESPYian
Simply a rider homie haha yeah equestrian.....


I gots rhymes for days.....
D

Where to start....

Ok so i start my new job tonight.... then i have a soccer game.... then i have to wingman for jamie with a girl name jaime.... Confusing....

School is going well I like almost all of my classes lol. Looks like life is turning around.

My sleepless nights still hold throughout the night but its cool cause i just watch tv. Im not really thinking about love and to be loved or anything of the sort. Im just looking for the next happy thought. HCS things between us are going well thanks for stickin through the tough times....

Other than than easter was legit soooo much food....

I got ushers new cd... its pretty good actually

Living for the dreams that I create when i look into my future.

D

Funny how the world works

Lest see last night I was pretty drunk by 11 lol I got picked up by my sis. Talked to a couple girls from england ahaha jamie needed a wingman. It was kinda funny though cause they were not hot at all I just didnt want to break it to him. Lets see I went on fire in bp and ran the game out. It was sick. Ummmm made 20 in a bet with fifa lol. I am also planning my own trip to australia with one of my buds from gradeschool. Saw HCS yesterday. Went well.

Hangover game over nigga thats it..... YOGA FLAME

D

Time... why u punish me

So heres this today im going to record my songs. Im nervous as hell hopefully it happens the way I want it to so we explode onto the scene....

Yesterday was miserable.... I got kicked out of her apt. Sorry for puttin u in a bad spot. Listen to the song these days by rascal it really speaks to what im feeling and its kinda like a wtf momoent for me everyday when i know u dont want ot hear from me..... Im hurtin.

My life other tahn that is moving in the right direction.... so all is well there


Heres what im gonna say..... If u let someone run ur life for u then u never have the chance to be u.....

Pretty much i know i've already lost u because u dont talk to me because he said so..... Its dumb but what can u do....
Either love me or leave me alone... Jay-Z

Smart man

Oh what a night...

Well where to begin. Last night I worked as a bartender and made some good money.... After that the plan was to go to CT and Ts apt to drink what was left over from the auction.

As I was driving along the freeway something mysterious, divine idk what ever u want to call it took over and helped me decide to go to HCS's place.  I wanted the visit to show her that I was able to be just her friend, just someone to lean on when shes lonely... Because lets be honest i need that too... I got there and then those eyes took over....

Idk if i crossed a line or if i was right in the ballpark of what u wanted to happen. Im not gonna apologize because my night was wonderful because of it.  Butterflies, rush, a feeling of home and an overwhelming feeling that I was just soooo happy to have everything going in the right direction for once.  I did let u see the inside of me and see who I am deep down. 

I think because of last night today was a great day too. I wasnt in a rush to hear from u and that was a good sign, sure i texted u but i let u come to me too.  I didnt want to pressure u and make u feel like i was moving in for the kill or anything like that I just wanted u to know that I was thinking about u.

I have a total of 12 songs written only 1 of which is actually ready for music.... If my email would work it would have music to it right now.

Anyways Im kinda pumped because u may call me if u dont its totally cool and im not sitting thinking what are u doing and who are u talkin to haha. Trust me im cool right now....

Forever is a mystery,

Dante

Start of something

Tomorrow I am going to the guitarists house. We're gonna lay some of my songs down. Or some of my writing anyway.  Im so happy becasue it seems that somebody was right. Thanks for believing in me.

I threw up from the workout today and thats a first... I dont know what to say but this is surely kicking my ass.

I am feeling a lot better since the one night we talked and I only think about u rather than the situation so basically i've come a long way... Anyways im gonna go to T-pains for the Evan Turner show....

GO BUCKS,

Drifting, fading, loving, dreaming.....

Dante

Hope u like ur shoes :)

Hahaha so today was a lot better.... I've decided that im ok with how things are in my life.  I've lost 1.5 lbs. and its only day 4 so im excited to lose 30

I dont know what it is but im not so jealous anymore because i've found the old me and really have rememberred how to speak to other girls and guys and meet new people....

I've changed for the better and I have u to thank for it. Thank u so much Lively and I would love it if u were happy too.  I miss seeing ur face every once in a while and i think thats normal. Its ok for me to feel like i lossed out on something but i have gained me back. Im better about everything Hannah ur an amazing girl and u touch people..... The emotional leader.

You have touched me and im so glad that u were the one to do it.

I'm well on my way with music and anthony said that im part of his acoustic act with this other guy that can sing.... They've already talked to bars and they're interested... Maybe you'll come see us play.

Loving the moments where u define life,

Dante

Heres to everyone whos been there

I feel like the last couple years and months of my life have been revolved around finding "the one" Im pretty sure that that person exists only in dreams.

If u find someone who makes u really happy and is willing to devote themselves to a life with u then jump on it and work with them.  Im sorry for all the confusion dealing with this situation but i feel like i had a right to be confused.  If he is who makes u happy then i'll swallow the huge lump of frustration and disgust for him and try to like him.  I dont think ur gonna read this anymore but it just feels good to realize all this for me and see it because im saying it.

Im not sure why i keep coming back to this point in my recovery where im just kinda like fuck it all sorta thing.  One day i hope i get another chance at a girl who makes me as happy as u did.  I hope the lonely nights apart and the solitary mornings for each of us move quickly so we dont dwell on things.... Im trying to be over u and im trying to feel better.  I just wish life never gets this bad again.

I'll leave this with the first two lines of the song i just wrote....

Forever is a mystery
Tomorrow never comes
I've been fighting through our history
Hoping to be done...

I've cruised through the finish
waiting to see this through
living in the moment
I relish
but still Im empty and blue

Cause im slitting my wrist with lollipops
Waiting for this call not to drop
Feelings to deep, to deep to stop
I listened and now Im drifting from reality....
You'll see me.

Theres more but u dont want to hear it anyways.... trust me it flows on the guitar.... im kinda proud of it

Dante

I cant read any of ur recent posts

Just drained all over thinking about the end

My body hurts form p90x... Just think about the goal... accomplish something for u Dante just do what u gotta do to be better for everyone....

My mind hurts from thinking about the future.... I cant focus on anythin but fixing what i helped destroy, I wish that i could convince her that eveything will be alright and that hes not worth it and i am but thats never gonna happen, shes already invested herself to him, she says shes not committed to anyone but until the day comes where she dates someone other than me or him i wont believe her. Im in no position to control her life and i dont want to. I hope that she'll learn from her future mistakes and find a guy who really deserves her because he doesnt.  Enough about all that Ive spent all my time worrying if she'll be ok and if shes gonna make it.  I care but i cant care because she wants me to let her go.  Just a final note i think that its pretty childish how the entire thing was handled and im pissed because she doesnt care anymore about fixing us. I cant stand not knowing her and i cant stand seeing u fall back into something with him.

Fuck it dante u need to just move forward shes never coming back and shes not gonna regret leaving ur bum ass....  U will never have a chance with her and u will never find another like her. Ur not gonna make it as anything because u care way too much about other people.....

Im emotionally hurt and want this gap in my chest to heal. I feel like im the biggest fuck up ever....

If ur reading this u already know more than anyone else about me and honestly theres nothing more to discover.  I hope ur feeling better about how everything turned out and what u did to me.... I dont

Im just gonna fall into the abyss with every other guy that got dropped. 

Fuck my life i want another shot at this. I want to turn back time and forget about the pain i want to make u feel this way for a change because u dont have any idea where im headed and honestly i dont think u care. For ur sake i hope u dont care.... remember when i told u about that day at the pool with jillian? Im really thinking about taking it a step further....

Sorry to burden u with that, and sorry to burden u with me.

Sincerely,
   Your fuck up, Dante

Might have blown my lid

Ok so i was super hurt and pissed yesterday and just needed to vent... Thats all....

D

Hail to the dumbass.... This is the last time I will cry over u....

Well lets just start with the fact that being in love is dumb.... It never actually works for anyone.

This goes out to everyone that cares. HCS if thats u then please read on if not then stop now cause things are gonna get a little heated and u may never talk to me again.....

This is my last post so lets go out with a bang....

To my friends I love u guys and thank u for being here and there as I conclude this journey i've taken....

HCS I have so many feelings that u have no idea who i am and what i think... Grow up first of all... I will do the same, T is always gonna be number one in ur life and u cant even bring him home.... I'll speak freely, ur sisters dont like him, they tolerated him cause u were "happy" (proven by the trip to the place where u never wanna go)  He never treated u like i did and i know that... It just sucks that ur not smart enough to realize that hes not gonna change. He basically raped u after u broke up, basically turned ur mind into his little trap where he can jsut take u where ever he wants. Im done trying to put u back together because it seems only assholes who try to take girls away from stability can.  I was happy and will be happy again because someone someday is gonna realize what i bring to the table. This is something u have failed to do.  Honestly ur being shallow when u talk about cali being so great, if u have love location means nothing, so shame on me for feeling everything i did, i regret feeling so secure and opening my soul to your mind games, u left me on the hook just in case he hurts u....

This middle finger goes out to Home wrecker.... T ur the lowest individual I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing... Im so glad that u have money and that girls follow u into the abyss they think brings happiness into life.  What u did to me i would never do to u because how I feel I would never make an individual feel.  U know its kinda funny how ur material stuff results in u being a good guy for people. Fuck urself.

The last one goes to me... Im an idiot for actually believing what i did and feeling what i felt. Couldnt listen to everyone say dude shes done and u need to be too... I never deserved any of this and I hope this makes u feel a little bit like u dont deserve me. I wrote u a song, HCS, its called Feelings and Dreams, hatred and screams...

I hope u never return to the life u had and that ur slope only goes down.... But right now im turning around and running from u because when u took my heart u stole my mind..... That will never ahppen again. I can never be replaces and one day when ur feeling empty ur gonna think of Owjl and how it made u happy.... Skype and how it brought us closer, Life and how ur running from it..... One day you'll wake up and hopefully for my sake u realize what i am......

Cutting my wrists with Lollipops....

Dante

Im just gonna be me

I have nothin else to give except my love. I hope one day u will realize thats all u need.

Crushed, crushin, and busted....

DSF

Im not sure....

So basically im not sure and have no idea what, who, why, or how i want my life to be with....

Im just so physically tired of being down.... I just want a moment of time for me to be happy....

Everything, except for the feelings that people are telling u not to feel, leads to him and there and life past ohio.....

I just wish that i were in his shoes for 5 minutes and actually feel ur complete love and devotion like he did.... I never got to experience H without synchro and without all the other drama in life....

I would give the world to be there and just feel like i had a fighting chance for a day....

Lets face it i know u love me because we share this bond of feelings, people are holding u back from feeling them and it sucks because no one is telling u not to feel them for him.... Just fighting a losing battle, my emotions are so far stretched to each side of the spectrum that idk what to feel what to believe what to know and what to see.... I am done worrying about other feelings and im done sugar coating things to protect u....

Heres what i really want and feel. I want to be the ONLY person that u think about when we hang out, like u were when we first started, ur a mentally tough person and ur not giving me a chance because u think all these feelings result in needing more time, I say bullshit.... ur afraid to head down a path like that with me because u wont let him go.... nor do u want to.... I guess it sucks because i never treated u like he did and i never would but right now i gotta look after me....

I enjoy the fact that i am even considered in ur feelings and ur mom telling u not to lead me on just explains to me that im not the only person that knows whats gonna happen... Ur gonna leave the buckeye state behind and everyone whos here is gone from the picture too including me... as much as u want to tell me thats not the case H u know that hes gonna win out because simply because we were dating and he stole ur heart from me.... Something i could never and WOULD NEVER do... thats low...

I respected the relationship probably when u were most vulnerable in ur life, think about it I could have been HBS the III...

I guess why im feeling so weird is because i feel like the other guy... like ur already with him mentally and it sucks because i never got a chance....

DSF

Just one slow down.... please?

Yeah the 8 miles were my idea but in the same time I was trying to impress u because u said that T never did anything active.... Translation I was suckin wind pretty hard but just the feeling that someone was actually into what I felt then doing 8 miles was even easier than i thought.  Idk last night u said that u couldnt sleep and that ur pissed at urself for a number of reasons....

The first being that ur pissed u gave into synchro.... The only thing i can say is that when i was never able to play competitive soccer again i missed it so much. Ur lucky because u get to end ur career a champion, with a little more money in ur pocket. I know its gonna take hard work, tired evenings, and stress and drama.... Seriously by  now ur probably used to those whats one more month?

The second being that ur pissed at urself for being here... Idk if that here physically or here emotionally.... Physically here in this part of the country is for school, and maybe it is something with us that still needs to be figured out....  The emotionally here point i feel like ur starting to feel somewhat in the same boat as i am.... I know where u are and i can see that ur not happy.... Just try looking forward to being out of school and looking forward to the last few months in ohio because im sure ur never coming back.... not for me or ur family.... Trust me that realization is killing me

Ur mad at urself for feeling this way but in reality ur just caring about the right decision.... thanks for that i really do feel honored that im even being thought of at this point....

The final point was that part of u wants to jump backk into things wiht me to make it easier....

Idk waht to say to this.... its probably better that we arent together because once the summer happens we're gonna be back here and T is gonna be even more of a factor because hes closer.... im not gonna lie that i would probably get back together with u if there were some changes in both of us.... There needs to be more of an emphasis on being happy and I need to be the only guy on ur mind.... Not the case right now.... So idk i feel like u can recover from this and that we can too.... I hope one day i do get another shot with u but seriously we both kinda know that thats not gonna happen.... I mean ur done with ohio once school is out and ur never looking back.... Ur gone pedal to the floor running from here....

I guess I would just settle for a slow down..........

DSF

Wrong message totally

Ok so i think somewhere in there u think that i am accusing u of being with other guys..... NOT THE CASE.... I was simply just stating that there is no need to kick urself, if u were, for what happened in the past.  Secondly I realize that we both need to step away from the whole physical aspect of things and even the emotional. I was simply saying down the road Im not gonna hold back because if something where we're both too drunk or just too into it the its supposed to happen.

Our relationship wasnt right and i agree with u.  Our good times were awesome and were amazing, but the bad times are and were way to much for both of us... All i was saying was that I wasnt going to rule out the option of something sparking between us again. Im not saying it will or wont but i am saying that love sometimes moves people away to test tehmselves, they fall out of love, then something happens when they fall back into it....

Ur right our lives are headed in different directions and ive told u a million times i cant have a gf because i need to regain me.  Idk what else i can say but in all reality HCS me and u dont really need this right now. Sorry if i were a little forward with my message and if i were just speaking to thin air.

All im saying that is i do want to be ur friend, if a hook up happens then it happens, not tomorrow or the next time i see u but maybe somewhere in spring quarter.  I think that feelings by that time would just be somewhat different and that they would not need to have any attachments afterwards.  Im not asking for exclusive hook ups or relationships, what i am asking for is a chance to be ur friend later when we're ready, a chance to maybe be a guy u bring home from a bar one time, somebody u dance with or somebody u flirt with. Thats all nothing more.....

I get how that can seem like its leading to something else, but in all actuality i dont want anything else, i just want myself back. Someone I lost a long time ago.... Maybe it was trying to please u or maybe someone else but I wasnt me and I wont be me until I focus on me.  Thats when my life heads in the right direction for me.

HCS I feel like there just needs to be one day of us just going back and for in person or on the phone just telling each other our feelings..... Just to vent because right now ur the only one that will listen.

The smoking thing.... I didnt tell u because when it happened things werent great, we were fighting and i didnt want to add to the stress and tension.... thats it.

Ultimately I just want the good times to keep happening and I want everything to just work out. Its gonna sting inside me for a while hell maybe even a year, but all I know is that I need to get myself back, thats something that selfishness in others doesnt help and smoking doesnt help. Im trying to move on I really am but HCS im cut pretty deep right now. My mind is telling me one thing, heart another, body another.

My mind is telling me to move on and focus on the fact that ur never coming back from cali when u go. That one day Im not gonna know u.  That one day we're gonna be changed so much that we dont even recognize each other.

My heart is telling me to wait.... for god knows how long, I wont dont worry but i wish there was an easy fix for this whole thing.

My body is saying that im a bum and didnt deserve u or anyone until i get myself back together.

With all of these combiined im headed down a long dark road with no one but me to pull me out, sure family is there and will talk but they have no clue what this is and how i feel.  The only thing that will cure me is time.

one foot in front of the other,

DSF

Changes

Well its the first time i've written on this as a single man.  Im not gonna lie it feels ok. I've been struggling for a while with the whole fact that what i thought was permanent and for good is now nothing.  Im ok with that for now. I just hope that I can recover well and move on from this with lessons learned. Im pretty sure no one reads this anymore because i think the only person who did has moved on.

With that said allow me to speak freely....

First of all I dont want anyone to think that im gonna jump off a bridge or snap and go crazy.  I guess the only part of me that snapped is the side that was letting me go.  I wanted so much more for myself as a kid and wanted big things.... Somewhere along the way i forgot about that.  So this is my time to prove to myself that im worth doing something.  P90X is a good start.... I've decided that im gonna try to make my body and mind irresistable to women of my age and actually learn to live with myself and get my priorities straight. Yeah i may not have money and yeah i may not have sweet style but i feel like i can always get money and get style.... What i am is a GOOD GUY and with that comes a lot to offer to all girls, girlfriends and friends....    I have a lot to give, im just simply trying to regain me, feeling like what i have needs something equally as good if not better than me.... Im changing my standards. 

I wanna start in the dark.  I have lied in the past but regret it every day, I have made mistakes that haunt me every day, I hate the person who I've become everyday..... HCS for u I smoked and never told u.... It was only a couple times just to lighthen the load of being me.... Im sorry i didnt tell u.... I feel like me coming clean about this will lead to u telling me deeper things about u.....

Whether its something that people know or something u have never told anyone I want this to be the open door for feelings and weight.  We can confide in each other and lighten the load for each other.  Regardless of status on fb.  I dont want u to think that im going to be judgemental.... So i'll put it out there heres what i think u've never told anyone... T and U in the past broke down because of some bad mistakes made by both of u.... Berkley i feel like was just the one people found out about.... I mean if i were a guy and lived with 4 girls even if i did have a gf i would want to connect with someone physically.... It would be perfect if that person was in the same situation I was.... I think that there was a moment or two of fooling around between u 2 and that is perfectly ok.... U were young and just caught in the middle of a situation that no one can prepare for. No I dont think ur  any less of a person and I dont trust u any less if this were the case. HCS me and u share the physical aspect of our personality and a need to for lack of a better term get off lol.... I completely understand berkley and if it happened with others then thats fine because u ultimately punished urself enough for it. So if something did happen with others in the past other than T and HBS the III lol I would like to think that u would want me or someone to know.  Not because we need to know everything but because if u and the other party are the only two to know then its a load of stress that u must think about and kick urself for doing. I personally dont care if u did or didnt... Ill still hook up with u haha

Next the cali thing.
  I feel like with the whole sexual being thing happening and what happened with me and u in the hotel im really not sure if u did or didnt do something with T last week... I mean i would like to know yeah but ur not gonna tell me regardless. I get it yeah and its not like im gonna ask him for pointers because u have already said im the best so ill keep my title lol. 
  The other half of the cali thing is that i would really like to experience cali one day as ur bf and show u my glow and allow us to be simply happy. Maybe the bf part is too much idk i just feel like this is the type of thing between me and u that we cant stop from happening again. Unless ur dating someone or I am thats the only way to stop it. 

Next I mentioned to u earlier that i dont want u to lose urself this summer. BE THE FIRST YOU AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GREATNESS. I tell u this speaking from experience I lost myself a while ago and have to admit it led me to the darkest place in my life i regret getting here and regret letting it happen. I would turn back time and change the decisions that led me here. Not with u but with me.

Finally moving on is hard. But im dealing. If we can just keep the physical side of us that would be awesome... U know? Maybe we'll spice it up even more because its not love that drives us but passion.   Hannah i hope ur happy with everything and I hope u really do want to be single for a while and were not just clearing space for the future u imagined.

I'll leave this post with a metaphor that i just thought of.  In baseball hitters look for fastballs, Every relationship, decision, and plan are fastballs.... Life really happens when the pitcher throws the curveball... Im ur curveball that u can knock out of the park one day.  Maybe right now we're striking out and need to see a few more pitches but one day ur gonna get another look at this curveball.  If u decide to close ur eyes and swing letting go and allowing the contact to knock it out of the park then life will work out for u.  If u take the pitch and let it pass u by ur life will just simply be incomplete.  Maybe one day we'll decide that life is incomplete without each other and maybe one day we wont. That is solely up to God and how this plan he presents us with pans out.  Hopefully its for the best if not well then its not lol....

Thank you for reading and thank u for all of the memories I will truly never replace u in my heart.

DSF

This one is just simply me in a nutshell

Ok so I feel like the past 6 months have been rocky at best.  We've had great times and we've had some pretty horrible times where i wasnt sure we were gonna last the night.... With that said i want to take this chance and try to make everything fit into its own place working for us.

Everything starts with time....
TIME= past, present, and future

Past- We got off to a rapid start waiting to connect with one another in person
 maybe this kind of set off the intense feelings because from my end i liked u so much just through phone calls and skype convos.... how could it not be love?
-Maybe that was where we started sprinting towards things that are not in our near future...

-1st being sexual
    -I love having sex with u, but we never had time to build to that level. u know the first kiss? the first makeout? the first hands? mouths? thats the part we skipped just getting to the climax and making it happen rather than allowing our lust override our feelings of love...... I believe thats where we went wrong sexually....
    -Lets get back to where a 6 month relationship should be... hook ups about discovering the unknown....

-2nd Emotional
    -We are both very affectionate beings that know what being hurt feels like, we both know what it feels like to have someone care so much about u that u feel on top of the world.... Rushing with words was our next fault.... Maybe we just never got a chance to just like each other. We just started loving too fast and lost the passion in the process.... I didnt gain the trust that comes with early phases of a relationship..... I am fixing that now. 
    -6 months and I do love u... but maybe we just love being around each other, the feeling of security, the feeling of maturity, and the feeling that something this great must be love.... I believe that we both got confused with the word love and the meaning to love.... My love for u sees no end. I love the way u can challenge me,, ur driven, ur accomplished, ur a leader, ur own person, ur just simply u.... take it or leave it. So yes i know now that i do love u.

-3rd Control
   -I know that im not the most giving person in the world.... but i am willing to give u all the space u need to feel not dependent on me... I need that feeling too.
   -I am sorry for trying to control ur life sometimes... its just that i think of us as a unit not just 2 people together making their own decisions... thats where im wrong. U make ur moves for u first and then us.<----its how its supposed to be.  Im ok with doing the same.
  -I admit i sometimes would manipulate situations to seems like a greater deal than they were making it seem like i have ammunition for when we faught.  I just dont like being wrong and im sorry for not being truthful in that sense.

PRESENT
Now we stand at crossroads where u and i disagree on a lot of things and butt heads not budging for anything.  I am making an effort in my head to change this and treat u like a lady and like a lady should be treated meaning no vulgarity no responses that are hurtful and so on........ NO MANIPULATION of any kind.

I need to focus on school and get out of college and u need to do the same.  Something i used to put second to us. 

We need more time apart.  Its not that i dont love  being around u its jsut that our friends help shape us and we need to be with them more often. together and separate. We both need our own alone time and these i intend to make happen.

No pressure.... there is no pressure for u to give more than u can.  I just hope that we can keep the same level if not a higher level of communication about wants, needs, and feelings.... Leaving less stress and pressure for both of us.

HONESTY I am going to be totally honest with u from now on. I hope u will do the same.

FUTURE:
  -Ur internship is ur internship. not mine so take where u want to take it.  its ur choice.  if u want me to come i will if not then say so.

 -No talk of babies, rings, weddings, dogs, or anything that involves a life that we both are not ready for.  I know we both eventually want those things but a matter of when and with can remain out of question and response.

  -IF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES SENSE TO U THEN I HOPE U JUST UNDERSTAND THESE FEW THINGS......
     -I WANT THIS TO WORK.
     -WE CAN CHANGE US AND GET US BACK TO THE BASICS
    -I WILL ALWAYS LOVE U AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE FOR U IN MY HEART.

with the most sincerity, and a hope of a brighter future,
    DSF

I miss u

Heres the one point i want to put out there.  I miss feeling your love throughout the day when ur tired and sick i want to take care of u like u want me to.  I feel like i havent been the best boyfriend recently and im sorry that its worked out the way it has.  I love every second of the day when im with u and i cant stand not being around u for more than 10 minutes.  Ur all thats on my mind all day and night and i just want u to feel like ur everything to me like u did in the beginning.  Miss u

Love u

Broken, Burned, Drifting, falling, turning, changing.......

Obviously we have reached a point where i am willing to change my life drastically to be with you.  I gotta be honest Im feeling like you do the same but dont stand by ur changes.  Of course this is not about me n u its about him.  I cant lie in sayin when i told you to go ahead and talk to him i wasnt exactly happy about it.    I kinda feel like i was forced into a situation where if i didnt change i would lose u so i changed 2 times because i didnt want to lose this.  Theres just gotta be some give back.

I dont know if u know this but when u try to hide that he texts u it just hurts even more.  It hurts because u would gladly lie to me to keep in touch with the person that makes me so insecure.  Ive wanted to tell u this since the beginning but i just kept getting the feeling that u wouldnt listen or u would tell me that he was such a big part of ur life that i just cant ask u to stop talking to him because u want to.  Well to be honest im a little shaken by it. Because the first time in the beginning i told u he wasnt after friendship he was after u. Turns out I was right.  I just hope u realize that it pushing me away to get closer to ur past.

If this is no use and u get mad at me for wanting a change then sorry i even spoke up. Guess i was just reading into it too much.  U told me once every couple weeks well its been consistently happening and i hope u can see that its hurting me.

I love u I really do but I just cant stand by and change everything about me for u if ur not willing to change one thing abotu the person who hurt u the most.

I hope u see what im seeing.

DSF