Wrong message totally

Ok so i think somewhere in there u think that i am accusing u of being with other guys..... NOT THE CASE.... I was simply just stating that there is no need to kick urself, if u were, for what happened in the past.  Secondly I realize that we both need to step away from the whole physical aspect of things and even the emotional. I was simply saying down the road Im not gonna hold back because if something where we're both too drunk or just too into it the its supposed to happen.

Our relationship wasnt right and i agree with u.  Our good times were awesome and were amazing, but the bad times are and were way to much for both of us... All i was saying was that I wasnt going to rule out the option of something sparking between us again. Im not saying it will or wont but i am saying that love sometimes moves people away to test tehmselves, they fall out of love, then something happens when they fall back into it....

Ur right our lives are headed in different directions and ive told u a million times i cant have a gf because i need to regain me.  Idk what else i can say but in all reality HCS me and u dont really need this right now. Sorry if i were a little forward with my message and if i were just speaking to thin air.

All im saying that is i do want to be ur friend, if a hook up happens then it happens, not tomorrow or the next time i see u but maybe somewhere in spring quarter.  I think that feelings by that time would just be somewhat different and that they would not need to have any attachments afterwards.  Im not asking for exclusive hook ups or relationships, what i am asking for is a chance to be ur friend later when we're ready, a chance to maybe be a guy u bring home from a bar one time, somebody u dance with or somebody u flirt with. Thats all nothing more.....

I get how that can seem like its leading to something else, but in all actuality i dont want anything else, i just want myself back. Someone I lost a long time ago.... Maybe it was trying to please u or maybe someone else but I wasnt me and I wont be me until I focus on me.  Thats when my life heads in the right direction for me.

HCS I feel like there just needs to be one day of us just going back and for in person or on the phone just telling each other our feelings..... Just to vent because right now ur the only one that will listen.

The smoking thing.... I didnt tell u because when it happened things werent great, we were fighting and i didnt want to add to the stress and tension.... thats it.

Ultimately I just want the good times to keep happening and I want everything to just work out. Its gonna sting inside me for a while hell maybe even a year, but all I know is that I need to get myself back, thats something that selfishness in others doesnt help and smoking doesnt help. Im trying to move on I really am but HCS im cut pretty deep right now. My mind is telling me one thing, heart another, body another.

My mind is telling me to move on and focus on the fact that ur never coming back from cali when u go. That one day Im not gonna know u.  That one day we're gonna be changed so much that we dont even recognize each other.

My heart is telling me to wait.... for god knows how long, I wont dont worry but i wish there was an easy fix for this whole thing.

My body is saying that im a bum and didnt deserve u or anyone until i get myself back together.

With all of these combiined im headed down a long dark road with no one but me to pull me out, sure family is there and will talk but they have no clue what this is and how i feel.  The only thing that will cure me is time.

one foot in front of the other,

DSF