Life sucks then you die

I really dont know where to begin.... Lets see for the most part i've been living life and watching the time go by. I can't really complain except for in relationships.

My relationship status is still with hcs but i always seem to lose out. Idk how to explain it other than the fact that its not gonna be an even distribution to one another until something is overwith.  I cant really begin to explain why i cant just let her go do synchro and do what she wants.  It might be because the distance apart every weekend and the overall drama of the sport will kill me. I dont wanna be like her ex and say shes not committed to me but synchro always wins. So here I am again saying that I'm a loser because not even the girl of my dreams wants to be with me..........

I really thought when she said Im not doing it it actually meant something for our future. Guess not.  It hurts really really bad because i give up my closest friends to be with her and she puts us on hold for what is understandably a remarkable dream I just dont think i can wait. I want to but weekends together will be gone, a year together will be gone, italy together will be gone. I guess I really am the loser bf.  I am so mentally tired from all this nonsense I dont care anymore. Hcs if u go i cant wait so if im still here when u get back call me.  I guess life goes on and there is nothing anyone can do about the pain, anger, negativity, and drama that comes with time.   LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE..............