So heres this today im going to record my songs. Im nervous as hell hopefully it happens the way I want it to so we explode onto the scene....
Yesterday was miserable.... I got kicked out of her apt. Sorry for puttin u in a bad spot. Listen to the song these days by rascal it really speaks to what im feeling and its kinda like a wtf momoent for me everyday when i know u dont want ot hear from me..... Im hurtin.
My life other tahn that is moving in the right direction.... so all is well there
Heres what im gonna say..... If u let someone run ur life for u then u never have the chance to be u.....
Pretty much i know i've already lost u because u dont talk to me because he said so..... Its dumb but what can u do....
Either love me or leave me alone... Jay-Z
Smart man
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Oh what a night...
Well where to begin. Last night I worked as a bartender and made some good money.... After that the plan was to go to CT and Ts apt to drink what was left over from the auction.
As I was driving along the freeway something mysterious, divine idk what ever u want to call it took over and helped me decide to go to HCS's place. I wanted the visit to show her that I was able to be just her friend, just someone to lean on when shes lonely... Because lets be honest i need that too... I got there and then those eyes took over....
Idk if i crossed a line or if i was right in the ballpark of what u wanted to happen. Im not gonna apologize because my night was wonderful because of it. Butterflies, rush, a feeling of home and an overwhelming feeling that I was just soooo happy to have everything going in the right direction for once. I did let u see the inside of me and see who I am deep down.
I think because of last night today was a great day too. I wasnt in a rush to hear from u and that was a good sign, sure i texted u but i let u come to me too. I didnt want to pressure u and make u feel like i was moving in for the kill or anything like that I just wanted u to know that I was thinking about u.
I have a total of 12 songs written only 1 of which is actually ready for music.... If my email would work it would have music to it right now.
Anyways Im kinda pumped because u may call me if u dont its totally cool and im not sitting thinking what are u doing and who are u talkin to haha. Trust me im cool right now....
Forever is a mystery,
Dante
As I was driving along the freeway something mysterious, divine idk what ever u want to call it took over and helped me decide to go to HCS's place. I wanted the visit to show her that I was able to be just her friend, just someone to lean on when shes lonely... Because lets be honest i need that too... I got there and then those eyes took over....
Idk if i crossed a line or if i was right in the ballpark of what u wanted to happen. Im not gonna apologize because my night was wonderful because of it. Butterflies, rush, a feeling of home and an overwhelming feeling that I was just soooo happy to have everything going in the right direction for once. I did let u see the inside of me and see who I am deep down.
I think because of last night today was a great day too. I wasnt in a rush to hear from u and that was a good sign, sure i texted u but i let u come to me too. I didnt want to pressure u and make u feel like i was moving in for the kill or anything like that I just wanted u to know that I was thinking about u.
I have a total of 12 songs written only 1 of which is actually ready for music.... If my email would work it would have music to it right now.
Anyways Im kinda pumped because u may call me if u dont its totally cool and im not sitting thinking what are u doing and who are u talkin to haha. Trust me im cool right now....
Forever is a mystery,
Dante
Friday, March 26, 2010
Start of something
Tomorrow I am going to the guitarists house. We're gonna lay some of my songs down. Or some of my writing anyway. Im so happy becasue it seems that somebody was right. Thanks for believing in me.
I threw up from the workout today and thats a first... I dont know what to say but this is surely kicking my ass.
I am feeling a lot better since the one night we talked and I only think about u rather than the situation so basically i've come a long way... Anyways im gonna go to T-pains for the Evan Turner show....
GO BUCKS,
Drifting, fading, loving, dreaming.....
Dante
I threw up from the workout today and thats a first... I dont know what to say but this is surely kicking my ass.
I am feeling a lot better since the one night we talked and I only think about u rather than the situation so basically i've come a long way... Anyways im gonna go to T-pains for the Evan Turner show....
GO BUCKS,
Drifting, fading, loving, dreaming.....
Dante
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Hope u like ur shoes :)
Hahaha so today was a lot better.... I've decided that im ok with how things are in my life. I've lost 1.5 lbs. and its only day 4 so im excited to lose 30
I dont know what it is but im not so jealous anymore because i've found the old me and really have rememberred how to speak to other girls and guys and meet new people....
I've changed for the better and I have u to thank for it. Thank u so much Lively and I would love it if u were happy too. I miss seeing ur face every once in a while and i think thats normal. Its ok for me to feel like i lossed out on something but i have gained me back. Im better about everything Hannah ur an amazing girl and u touch people..... The emotional leader.
You have touched me and im so glad that u were the one to do it.
I'm well on my way with music and anthony said that im part of his acoustic act with this other guy that can sing.... They've already talked to bars and they're interested... Maybe you'll come see us play.
Loving the moments where u define life,
Dante
I dont know what it is but im not so jealous anymore because i've found the old me and really have rememberred how to speak to other girls and guys and meet new people....
I've changed for the better and I have u to thank for it. Thank u so much Lively and I would love it if u were happy too. I miss seeing ur face every once in a while and i think thats normal. Its ok for me to feel like i lossed out on something but i have gained me back. Im better about everything Hannah ur an amazing girl and u touch people..... The emotional leader.
You have touched me and im so glad that u were the one to do it.
I'm well on my way with music and anthony said that im part of his acoustic act with this other guy that can sing.... They've already talked to bars and they're interested... Maybe you'll come see us play.
Loving the moments where u define life,
Dante
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Heres to everyone whos been there
I feel like the last couple years and months of my life have been revolved around finding "the one" Im pretty sure that that person exists only in dreams.
If u find someone who makes u really happy and is willing to devote themselves to a life with u then jump on it and work with them. Im sorry for all the confusion dealing with this situation but i feel like i had a right to be confused. If he is who makes u happy then i'll swallow the huge lump of frustration and disgust for him and try to like him. I dont think ur gonna read this anymore but it just feels good to realize all this for me and see it because im saying it.
Im not sure why i keep coming back to this point in my recovery where im just kinda like fuck it all sorta thing. One day i hope i get another chance at a girl who makes me as happy as u did. I hope the lonely nights apart and the solitary mornings for each of us move quickly so we dont dwell on things.... Im trying to be over u and im trying to feel better. I just wish life never gets this bad again.
I'll leave this with the first two lines of the song i just wrote....
Forever is a mystery
Tomorrow never comes
I've been fighting through our history
Hoping to be done...
I've cruised through the finish
waiting to see this through
living in the moment
I relish
but still Im empty and blue
Cause im slitting my wrist with lollipops
Waiting for this call not to drop
Feelings to deep, to deep to stop
I listened and now Im drifting from reality....
You'll see me.
Theres more but u dont want to hear it anyways.... trust me it flows on the guitar.... im kinda proud of it
Dante
If u find someone who makes u really happy and is willing to devote themselves to a life with u then jump on it and work with them. Im sorry for all the confusion dealing with this situation but i feel like i had a right to be confused. If he is who makes u happy then i'll swallow the huge lump of frustration and disgust for him and try to like him. I dont think ur gonna read this anymore but it just feels good to realize all this for me and see it because im saying it.
Im not sure why i keep coming back to this point in my recovery where im just kinda like fuck it all sorta thing. One day i hope i get another chance at a girl who makes me as happy as u did. I hope the lonely nights apart and the solitary mornings for each of us move quickly so we dont dwell on things.... Im trying to be over u and im trying to feel better. I just wish life never gets this bad again.
I'll leave this with the first two lines of the song i just wrote....
Forever is a mystery
Tomorrow never comes
I've been fighting through our history
Hoping to be done...
I've cruised through the finish
waiting to see this through
living in the moment
I relish
but still Im empty and blue
Cause im slitting my wrist with lollipops
Waiting for this call not to drop
Feelings to deep, to deep to stop
I listened and now Im drifting from reality....
You'll see me.
Theres more but u dont want to hear it anyways.... trust me it flows on the guitar.... im kinda proud of it
Dante
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Just drained all over thinking about the end
My body hurts form p90x... Just think about the goal... accomplish something for u Dante just do what u gotta do to be better for everyone....
My mind hurts from thinking about the future.... I cant focus on anythin but fixing what i helped destroy, I wish that i could convince her that eveything will be alright and that hes not worth it and i am but thats never gonna happen, shes already invested herself to him, she says shes not committed to anyone but until the day comes where she dates someone other than me or him i wont believe her. Im in no position to control her life and i dont want to. I hope that she'll learn from her future mistakes and find a guy who really deserves her because he doesnt. Enough about all that Ive spent all my time worrying if she'll be ok and if shes gonna make it. I care but i cant care because she wants me to let her go. Just a final note i think that its pretty childish how the entire thing was handled and im pissed because she doesnt care anymore about fixing us. I cant stand not knowing her and i cant stand seeing u fall back into something with him.
Fuck it dante u need to just move forward shes never coming back and shes not gonna regret leaving ur bum ass.... U will never have a chance with her and u will never find another like her. Ur not gonna make it as anything because u care way too much about other people.....
Im emotionally hurt and want this gap in my chest to heal. I feel like im the biggest fuck up ever....
If ur reading this u already know more than anyone else about me and honestly theres nothing more to discover. I hope ur feeling better about how everything turned out and what u did to me.... I dont
Im just gonna fall into the abyss with every other guy that got dropped.
Fuck my life i want another shot at this. I want to turn back time and forget about the pain i want to make u feel this way for a change because u dont have any idea where im headed and honestly i dont think u care. For ur sake i hope u dont care.... remember when i told u about that day at the pool with jillian? Im really thinking about taking it a step further....
Sorry to burden u with that, and sorry to burden u with me.
Sincerely,
Your fuck up, Dante
My mind hurts from thinking about the future.... I cant focus on anythin but fixing what i helped destroy, I wish that i could convince her that eveything will be alright and that hes not worth it and i am but thats never gonna happen, shes already invested herself to him, she says shes not committed to anyone but until the day comes where she dates someone other than me or him i wont believe her. Im in no position to control her life and i dont want to. I hope that she'll learn from her future mistakes and find a guy who really deserves her because he doesnt. Enough about all that Ive spent all my time worrying if she'll be ok and if shes gonna make it. I care but i cant care because she wants me to let her go. Just a final note i think that its pretty childish how the entire thing was handled and im pissed because she doesnt care anymore about fixing us. I cant stand not knowing her and i cant stand seeing u fall back into something with him.
Fuck it dante u need to just move forward shes never coming back and shes not gonna regret leaving ur bum ass.... U will never have a chance with her and u will never find another like her. Ur not gonna make it as anything because u care way too much about other people.....
Im emotionally hurt and want this gap in my chest to heal. I feel like im the biggest fuck up ever....
If ur reading this u already know more than anyone else about me and honestly theres nothing more to discover. I hope ur feeling better about how everything turned out and what u did to me.... I dont
Im just gonna fall into the abyss with every other guy that got dropped.
Fuck my life i want another shot at this. I want to turn back time and forget about the pain i want to make u feel this way for a change because u dont have any idea where im headed and honestly i dont think u care. For ur sake i hope u dont care.... remember when i told u about that day at the pool with jillian? Im really thinking about taking it a step further....
Sorry to burden u with that, and sorry to burden u with me.
Sincerely,
Your fuck up, Dante
Might have blown my lid
Ok so i was super hurt and pissed yesterday and just needed to vent... Thats all....
D
D
Monday, March 22, 2010
Hail to the dumbass.... This is the last time I will cry over u....
Well lets just start with the fact that being in love is dumb.... It never actually works for anyone.
This goes out to everyone that cares. HCS if thats u then please read on if not then stop now cause things are gonna get a little heated and u may never talk to me again.....
This is my last post so lets go out with a bang....
To my friends I love u guys and thank u for being here and there as I conclude this journey i've taken....
HCS I have so many feelings that u have no idea who i am and what i think... Grow up first of all... I will do the same, T is always gonna be number one in ur life and u cant even bring him home.... I'll speak freely, ur sisters dont like him, they tolerated him cause u were "happy" (proven by the trip to the place where u never wanna go) He never treated u like i did and i know that... It just sucks that ur not smart enough to realize that hes not gonna change. He basically raped u after u broke up, basically turned ur mind into his little trap where he can jsut take u where ever he wants. Im done trying to put u back together because it seems only assholes who try to take girls away from stability can. I was happy and will be happy again because someone someday is gonna realize what i bring to the table. This is something u have failed to do. Honestly ur being shallow when u talk about cali being so great, if u have love location means nothing, so shame on me for feeling everything i did, i regret feeling so secure and opening my soul to your mind games, u left me on the hook just in case he hurts u....
This middle finger goes out to Home wrecker.... T ur the lowest individual I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing... Im so glad that u have money and that girls follow u into the abyss they think brings happiness into life. What u did to me i would never do to u because how I feel I would never make an individual feel. U know its kinda funny how ur material stuff results in u being a good guy for people. Fuck urself.
The last one goes to me... Im an idiot for actually believing what i did and feeling what i felt. Couldnt listen to everyone say dude shes done and u need to be too... I never deserved any of this and I hope this makes u feel a little bit like u dont deserve me. I wrote u a song, HCS, its called Feelings and Dreams, hatred and screams...
I hope u never return to the life u had and that ur slope only goes down.... But right now im turning around and running from u because when u took my heart u stole my mind..... That will never ahppen again. I can never be replaces and one day when ur feeling empty ur gonna think of Owjl and how it made u happy.... Skype and how it brought us closer, Life and how ur running from it..... One day you'll wake up and hopefully for my sake u realize what i am......
Cutting my wrists with Lollipops....
Dante
This goes out to everyone that cares. HCS if thats u then please read on if not then stop now cause things are gonna get a little heated and u may never talk to me again.....
This is my last post so lets go out with a bang....
To my friends I love u guys and thank u for being here and there as I conclude this journey i've taken....
HCS I have so many feelings that u have no idea who i am and what i think... Grow up first of all... I will do the same, T is always gonna be number one in ur life and u cant even bring him home.... I'll speak freely, ur sisters dont like him, they tolerated him cause u were "happy" (proven by the trip to the place where u never wanna go) He never treated u like i did and i know that... It just sucks that ur not smart enough to realize that hes not gonna change. He basically raped u after u broke up, basically turned ur mind into his little trap where he can jsut take u where ever he wants. Im done trying to put u back together because it seems only assholes who try to take girls away from stability can. I was happy and will be happy again because someone someday is gonna realize what i bring to the table. This is something u have failed to do. Honestly ur being shallow when u talk about cali being so great, if u have love location means nothing, so shame on me for feeling everything i did, i regret feeling so secure and opening my soul to your mind games, u left me on the hook just in case he hurts u....
This middle finger goes out to Home wrecker.... T ur the lowest individual I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing... Im so glad that u have money and that girls follow u into the abyss they think brings happiness into life. What u did to me i would never do to u because how I feel I would never make an individual feel. U know its kinda funny how ur material stuff results in u being a good guy for people. Fuck urself.
The last one goes to me... Im an idiot for actually believing what i did and feeling what i felt. Couldnt listen to everyone say dude shes done and u need to be too... I never deserved any of this and I hope this makes u feel a little bit like u dont deserve me. I wrote u a song, HCS, its called Feelings and Dreams, hatred and screams...
I hope u never return to the life u had and that ur slope only goes down.... But right now im turning around and running from u because when u took my heart u stole my mind..... That will never ahppen again. I can never be replaces and one day when ur feeling empty ur gonna think of Owjl and how it made u happy.... Skype and how it brought us closer, Life and how ur running from it..... One day you'll wake up and hopefully for my sake u realize what i am......
Cutting my wrists with Lollipops....
Dante
Im just gonna be me
I have nothin else to give except my love. I hope one day u will realize thats all u need.
Crushed, crushin, and busted....
DSF
Crushed, crushin, and busted....
DSF
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Im not sure....
So basically im not sure and have no idea what, who, why, or how i want my life to be with....
Im just so physically tired of being down.... I just want a moment of time for me to be happy....
Everything, except for the feelings that people are telling u not to feel, leads to him and there and life past ohio.....
I just wish that i were in his shoes for 5 minutes and actually feel ur complete love and devotion like he did.... I never got to experience H without synchro and without all the other drama in life....
I would give the world to be there and just feel like i had a fighting chance for a day....
Lets face it i know u love me because we share this bond of feelings, people are holding u back from feeling them and it sucks because no one is telling u not to feel them for him.... Just fighting a losing battle, my emotions are so far stretched to each side of the spectrum that idk what to feel what to believe what to know and what to see.... I am done worrying about other feelings and im done sugar coating things to protect u....
Heres what i really want and feel. I want to be the ONLY person that u think about when we hang out, like u were when we first started, ur a mentally tough person and ur not giving me a chance because u think all these feelings result in needing more time, I say bullshit.... ur afraid to head down a path like that with me because u wont let him go.... nor do u want to.... I guess it sucks because i never treated u like he did and i never would but right now i gotta look after me....
I enjoy the fact that i am even considered in ur feelings and ur mom telling u not to lead me on just explains to me that im not the only person that knows whats gonna happen... Ur gonna leave the buckeye state behind and everyone whos here is gone from the picture too including me... as much as u want to tell me thats not the case H u know that hes gonna win out because simply because we were dating and he stole ur heart from me.... Something i could never and WOULD NEVER do... thats low...
I respected the relationship probably when u were most vulnerable in ur life, think about it I could have been HBS the III...
I guess why im feeling so weird is because i feel like the other guy... like ur already with him mentally and it sucks because i never got a chance....
DSF
Im just so physically tired of being down.... I just want a moment of time for me to be happy....
Everything, except for the feelings that people are telling u not to feel, leads to him and there and life past ohio.....
I just wish that i were in his shoes for 5 minutes and actually feel ur complete love and devotion like he did.... I never got to experience H without synchro and without all the other drama in life....
I would give the world to be there and just feel like i had a fighting chance for a day....
Lets face it i know u love me because we share this bond of feelings, people are holding u back from feeling them and it sucks because no one is telling u not to feel them for him.... Just fighting a losing battle, my emotions are so far stretched to each side of the spectrum that idk what to feel what to believe what to know and what to see.... I am done worrying about other feelings and im done sugar coating things to protect u....
Heres what i really want and feel. I want to be the ONLY person that u think about when we hang out, like u were when we first started, ur a mentally tough person and ur not giving me a chance because u think all these feelings result in needing more time, I say bullshit.... ur afraid to head down a path like that with me because u wont let him go.... nor do u want to.... I guess it sucks because i never treated u like he did and i never would but right now i gotta look after me....
I enjoy the fact that i am even considered in ur feelings and ur mom telling u not to lead me on just explains to me that im not the only person that knows whats gonna happen... Ur gonna leave the buckeye state behind and everyone whos here is gone from the picture too including me... as much as u want to tell me thats not the case H u know that hes gonna win out because simply because we were dating and he stole ur heart from me.... Something i could never and WOULD NEVER do... thats low...
I respected the relationship probably when u were most vulnerable in ur life, think about it I could have been HBS the III...
I guess why im feeling so weird is because i feel like the other guy... like ur already with him mentally and it sucks because i never got a chance....
DSF
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Just one slow down.... please?
Yeah the 8 miles were my idea but in the same time I was trying to impress u because u said that T never did anything active.... Translation I was suckin wind pretty hard but just the feeling that someone was actually into what I felt then doing 8 miles was even easier than i thought. Idk last night u said that u couldnt sleep and that ur pissed at urself for a number of reasons....
The first being that ur pissed u gave into synchro.... The only thing i can say is that when i was never able to play competitive soccer again i missed it so much. Ur lucky because u get to end ur career a champion, with a little more money in ur pocket. I know its gonna take hard work, tired evenings, and stress and drama.... Seriously by now ur probably used to those whats one more month?
The second being that ur pissed at urself for being here... Idk if that here physically or here emotionally.... Physically here in this part of the country is for school, and maybe it is something with us that still needs to be figured out.... The emotionally here point i feel like ur starting to feel somewhat in the same boat as i am.... I know where u are and i can see that ur not happy.... Just try looking forward to being out of school and looking forward to the last few months in ohio because im sure ur never coming back.... not for me or ur family.... Trust me that realization is killing me
Ur mad at urself for feeling this way but in reality ur just caring about the right decision.... thanks for that i really do feel honored that im even being thought of at this point....
The final point was that part of u wants to jump backk into things wiht me to make it easier....
Idk waht to say to this.... its probably better that we arent together because once the summer happens we're gonna be back here and T is gonna be even more of a factor because hes closer.... im not gonna lie that i would probably get back together with u if there were some changes in both of us.... There needs to be more of an emphasis on being happy and I need to be the only guy on ur mind.... Not the case right now.... So idk i feel like u can recover from this and that we can too.... I hope one day i do get another shot with u but seriously we both kinda know that thats not gonna happen.... I mean ur done with ohio once school is out and ur never looking back.... Ur gone pedal to the floor running from here....
I guess I would just settle for a slow down..........
DSF
The first being that ur pissed u gave into synchro.... The only thing i can say is that when i was never able to play competitive soccer again i missed it so much. Ur lucky because u get to end ur career a champion, with a little more money in ur pocket. I know its gonna take hard work, tired evenings, and stress and drama.... Seriously by now ur probably used to those whats one more month?
The second being that ur pissed at urself for being here... Idk if that here physically or here emotionally.... Physically here in this part of the country is for school, and maybe it is something with us that still needs to be figured out.... The emotionally here point i feel like ur starting to feel somewhat in the same boat as i am.... I know where u are and i can see that ur not happy.... Just try looking forward to being out of school and looking forward to the last few months in ohio because im sure ur never coming back.... not for me or ur family.... Trust me that realization is killing me
Ur mad at urself for feeling this way but in reality ur just caring about the right decision.... thanks for that i really do feel honored that im even being thought of at this point....
The final point was that part of u wants to jump backk into things wiht me to make it easier....
Idk waht to say to this.... its probably better that we arent together because once the summer happens we're gonna be back here and T is gonna be even more of a factor because hes closer.... im not gonna lie that i would probably get back together with u if there were some changes in both of us.... There needs to be more of an emphasis on being happy and I need to be the only guy on ur mind.... Not the case right now.... So idk i feel like u can recover from this and that we can too.... I hope one day i do get another shot with u but seriously we both kinda know that thats not gonna happen.... I mean ur done with ohio once school is out and ur never looking back.... Ur gone pedal to the floor running from here....
I guess I would just settle for a slow down..........
DSF
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wrong message totally
Ok so i think somewhere in there u think that i am accusing u of being with other guys..... NOT THE CASE.... I was simply just stating that there is no need to kick urself, if u were, for what happened in the past. Secondly I realize that we both need to step away from the whole physical aspect of things and even the emotional. I was simply saying down the road Im not gonna hold back because if something where we're both too drunk or just too into it the its supposed to happen.
Our relationship wasnt right and i agree with u. Our good times were awesome and were amazing, but the bad times are and were way to much for both of us... All i was saying was that I wasnt going to rule out the option of something sparking between us again. Im not saying it will or wont but i am saying that love sometimes moves people away to test tehmselves, they fall out of love, then something happens when they fall back into it....
Ur right our lives are headed in different directions and ive told u a million times i cant have a gf because i need to regain me. Idk what else i can say but in all reality HCS me and u dont really need this right now. Sorry if i were a little forward with my message and if i were just speaking to thin air.
All im saying that is i do want to be ur friend, if a hook up happens then it happens, not tomorrow or the next time i see u but maybe somewhere in spring quarter. I think that feelings by that time would just be somewhat different and that they would not need to have any attachments afterwards. Im not asking for exclusive hook ups or relationships, what i am asking for is a chance to be ur friend later when we're ready, a chance to maybe be a guy u bring home from a bar one time, somebody u dance with or somebody u flirt with. Thats all nothing more.....
I get how that can seem like its leading to something else, but in all actuality i dont want anything else, i just want myself back. Someone I lost a long time ago.... Maybe it was trying to please u or maybe someone else but I wasnt me and I wont be me until I focus on me. Thats when my life heads in the right direction for me.
HCS I feel like there just needs to be one day of us just going back and for in person or on the phone just telling each other our feelings..... Just to vent because right now ur the only one that will listen.
The smoking thing.... I didnt tell u because when it happened things werent great, we were fighting and i didnt want to add to the stress and tension.... thats it.
Ultimately I just want the good times to keep happening and I want everything to just work out. Its gonna sting inside me for a while hell maybe even a year, but all I know is that I need to get myself back, thats something that selfishness in others doesnt help and smoking doesnt help. Im trying to move on I really am but HCS im cut pretty deep right now. My mind is telling me one thing, heart another, body another.
My mind is telling me to move on and focus on the fact that ur never coming back from cali when u go. That one day Im not gonna know u. That one day we're gonna be changed so much that we dont even recognize each other.
My heart is telling me to wait.... for god knows how long, I wont dont worry but i wish there was an easy fix for this whole thing.
My body is saying that im a bum and didnt deserve u or anyone until i get myself back together.
With all of these combiined im headed down a long dark road with no one but me to pull me out, sure family is there and will talk but they have no clue what this is and how i feel. The only thing that will cure me is time.
one foot in front of the other,
DSF
Our relationship wasnt right and i agree with u. Our good times were awesome and were amazing, but the bad times are and were way to much for both of us... All i was saying was that I wasnt going to rule out the option of something sparking between us again. Im not saying it will or wont but i am saying that love sometimes moves people away to test tehmselves, they fall out of love, then something happens when they fall back into it....
Ur right our lives are headed in different directions and ive told u a million times i cant have a gf because i need to regain me. Idk what else i can say but in all reality HCS me and u dont really need this right now. Sorry if i were a little forward with my message and if i were just speaking to thin air.
All im saying that is i do want to be ur friend, if a hook up happens then it happens, not tomorrow or the next time i see u but maybe somewhere in spring quarter. I think that feelings by that time would just be somewhat different and that they would not need to have any attachments afterwards. Im not asking for exclusive hook ups or relationships, what i am asking for is a chance to be ur friend later when we're ready, a chance to maybe be a guy u bring home from a bar one time, somebody u dance with or somebody u flirt with. Thats all nothing more.....
I get how that can seem like its leading to something else, but in all actuality i dont want anything else, i just want myself back. Someone I lost a long time ago.... Maybe it was trying to please u or maybe someone else but I wasnt me and I wont be me until I focus on me. Thats when my life heads in the right direction for me.
HCS I feel like there just needs to be one day of us just going back and for in person or on the phone just telling each other our feelings..... Just to vent because right now ur the only one that will listen.
The smoking thing.... I didnt tell u because when it happened things werent great, we were fighting and i didnt want to add to the stress and tension.... thats it.
Ultimately I just want the good times to keep happening and I want everything to just work out. Its gonna sting inside me for a while hell maybe even a year, but all I know is that I need to get myself back, thats something that selfishness in others doesnt help and smoking doesnt help. Im trying to move on I really am but HCS im cut pretty deep right now. My mind is telling me one thing, heart another, body another.
My mind is telling me to move on and focus on the fact that ur never coming back from cali when u go. That one day Im not gonna know u. That one day we're gonna be changed so much that we dont even recognize each other.
My heart is telling me to wait.... for god knows how long, I wont dont worry but i wish there was an easy fix for this whole thing.
My body is saying that im a bum and didnt deserve u or anyone until i get myself back together.
With all of these combiined im headed down a long dark road with no one but me to pull me out, sure family is there and will talk but they have no clue what this is and how i feel. The only thing that will cure me is time.
one foot in front of the other,
DSF
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Changes
Well its the first time i've written on this as a single man. Im not gonna lie it feels ok. I've been struggling for a while with the whole fact that what i thought was permanent and for good is now nothing. Im ok with that for now. I just hope that I can recover well and move on from this with lessons learned. Im pretty sure no one reads this anymore because i think the only person who did has moved on.
With that said allow me to speak freely....
First of all I dont want anyone to think that im gonna jump off a bridge or snap and go crazy. I guess the only part of me that snapped is the side that was letting me go. I wanted so much more for myself as a kid and wanted big things.... Somewhere along the way i forgot about that. So this is my time to prove to myself that im worth doing something. P90X is a good start.... I've decided that im gonna try to make my body and mind irresistable to women of my age and actually learn to live with myself and get my priorities straight. Yeah i may not have money and yeah i may not have sweet style but i feel like i can always get money and get style.... What i am is a GOOD GUY and with that comes a lot to offer to all girls, girlfriends and friends.... I have a lot to give, im just simply trying to regain me, feeling like what i have needs something equally as good if not better than me.... Im changing my standards.
I wanna start in the dark. I have lied in the past but regret it every day, I have made mistakes that haunt me every day, I hate the person who I've become everyday..... HCS for u I smoked and never told u.... It was only a couple times just to lighthen the load of being me.... Im sorry i didnt tell u.... I feel like me coming clean about this will lead to u telling me deeper things about u.....
Whether its something that people know or something u have never told anyone I want this to be the open door for feelings and weight. We can confide in each other and lighten the load for each other. Regardless of status on fb. I dont want u to think that im going to be judgemental.... So i'll put it out there heres what i think u've never told anyone... T and U in the past broke down because of some bad mistakes made by both of u.... Berkley i feel like was just the one people found out about.... I mean if i were a guy and lived with 4 girls even if i did have a gf i would want to connect with someone physically.... It would be perfect if that person was in the same situation I was.... I think that there was a moment or two of fooling around between u 2 and that is perfectly ok.... U were young and just caught in the middle of a situation that no one can prepare for. No I dont think ur any less of a person and I dont trust u any less if this were the case. HCS me and u share the physical aspect of our personality and a need to for lack of a better term get off lol.... I completely understand berkley and if it happened with others then thats fine because u ultimately punished urself enough for it. So if something did happen with others in the past other than T and HBS the III lol I would like to think that u would want me or someone to know. Not because we need to know everything but because if u and the other party are the only two to know then its a load of stress that u must think about and kick urself for doing. I personally dont care if u did or didnt... Ill still hook up with u haha
Next the cali thing.
I feel like with the whole sexual being thing happening and what happened with me and u in the hotel im really not sure if u did or didnt do something with T last week... I mean i would like to know yeah but ur not gonna tell me regardless. I get it yeah and its not like im gonna ask him for pointers because u have already said im the best so ill keep my title lol.
The other half of the cali thing is that i would really like to experience cali one day as ur bf and show u my glow and allow us to be simply happy. Maybe the bf part is too much idk i just feel like this is the type of thing between me and u that we cant stop from happening again. Unless ur dating someone or I am thats the only way to stop it.
Next I mentioned to u earlier that i dont want u to lose urself this summer. BE THE FIRST YOU AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GREATNESS. I tell u this speaking from experience I lost myself a while ago and have to admit it led me to the darkest place in my life i regret getting here and regret letting it happen. I would turn back time and change the decisions that led me here. Not with u but with me.
Finally moving on is hard. But im dealing. If we can just keep the physical side of us that would be awesome... U know? Maybe we'll spice it up even more because its not love that drives us but passion. Hannah i hope ur happy with everything and I hope u really do want to be single for a while and were not just clearing space for the future u imagined.
I'll leave this post with a metaphor that i just thought of. In baseball hitters look for fastballs, Every relationship, decision, and plan are fastballs.... Life really happens when the pitcher throws the curveball... Im ur curveball that u can knock out of the park one day. Maybe right now we're striking out and need to see a few more pitches but one day ur gonna get another look at this curveball. If u decide to close ur eyes and swing letting go and allowing the contact to knock it out of the park then life will work out for u. If u take the pitch and let it pass u by ur life will just simply be incomplete. Maybe one day we'll decide that life is incomplete without each other and maybe one day we wont. That is solely up to God and how this plan he presents us with pans out. Hopefully its for the best if not well then its not lol....
Thank you for reading and thank u for all of the memories I will truly never replace u in my heart.
DSF
With that said allow me to speak freely....
First of all I dont want anyone to think that im gonna jump off a bridge or snap and go crazy. I guess the only part of me that snapped is the side that was letting me go. I wanted so much more for myself as a kid and wanted big things.... Somewhere along the way i forgot about that. So this is my time to prove to myself that im worth doing something. P90X is a good start.... I've decided that im gonna try to make my body and mind irresistable to women of my age and actually learn to live with myself and get my priorities straight. Yeah i may not have money and yeah i may not have sweet style but i feel like i can always get money and get style.... What i am is a GOOD GUY and with that comes a lot to offer to all girls, girlfriends and friends.... I have a lot to give, im just simply trying to regain me, feeling like what i have needs something equally as good if not better than me.... Im changing my standards.
I wanna start in the dark. I have lied in the past but regret it every day, I have made mistakes that haunt me every day, I hate the person who I've become everyday..... HCS for u I smoked and never told u.... It was only a couple times just to lighthen the load of being me.... Im sorry i didnt tell u.... I feel like me coming clean about this will lead to u telling me deeper things about u.....
Whether its something that people know or something u have never told anyone I want this to be the open door for feelings and weight. We can confide in each other and lighten the load for each other. Regardless of status on fb. I dont want u to think that im going to be judgemental.... So i'll put it out there heres what i think u've never told anyone... T and U in the past broke down because of some bad mistakes made by both of u.... Berkley i feel like was just the one people found out about.... I mean if i were a guy and lived with 4 girls even if i did have a gf i would want to connect with someone physically.... It would be perfect if that person was in the same situation I was.... I think that there was a moment or two of fooling around between u 2 and that is perfectly ok.... U were young and just caught in the middle of a situation that no one can prepare for. No I dont think ur any less of a person and I dont trust u any less if this were the case. HCS me and u share the physical aspect of our personality and a need to for lack of a better term get off lol.... I completely understand berkley and if it happened with others then thats fine because u ultimately punished urself enough for it. So if something did happen with others in the past other than T and HBS the III lol I would like to think that u would want me or someone to know. Not because we need to know everything but because if u and the other party are the only two to know then its a load of stress that u must think about and kick urself for doing. I personally dont care if u did or didnt... Ill still hook up with u haha
Next the cali thing.
I feel like with the whole sexual being thing happening and what happened with me and u in the hotel im really not sure if u did or didnt do something with T last week... I mean i would like to know yeah but ur not gonna tell me regardless. I get it yeah and its not like im gonna ask him for pointers because u have already said im the best so ill keep my title lol.
The other half of the cali thing is that i would really like to experience cali one day as ur bf and show u my glow and allow us to be simply happy. Maybe the bf part is too much idk i just feel like this is the type of thing between me and u that we cant stop from happening again. Unless ur dating someone or I am thats the only way to stop it.
Next I mentioned to u earlier that i dont want u to lose urself this summer. BE THE FIRST YOU AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GREATNESS. I tell u this speaking from experience I lost myself a while ago and have to admit it led me to the darkest place in my life i regret getting here and regret letting it happen. I would turn back time and change the decisions that led me here. Not with u but with me.
Finally moving on is hard. But im dealing. If we can just keep the physical side of us that would be awesome... U know? Maybe we'll spice it up even more because its not love that drives us but passion. Hannah i hope ur happy with everything and I hope u really do want to be single for a while and were not just clearing space for the future u imagined.
I'll leave this post with a metaphor that i just thought of. In baseball hitters look for fastballs, Every relationship, decision, and plan are fastballs.... Life really happens when the pitcher throws the curveball... Im ur curveball that u can knock out of the park one day. Maybe right now we're striking out and need to see a few more pitches but one day ur gonna get another look at this curveball. If u decide to close ur eyes and swing letting go and allowing the contact to knock it out of the park then life will work out for u. If u take the pitch and let it pass u by ur life will just simply be incomplete. Maybe one day we'll decide that life is incomplete without each other and maybe one day we wont. That is solely up to God and how this plan he presents us with pans out. Hopefully its for the best if not well then its not lol....
Thank you for reading and thank u for all of the memories I will truly never replace u in my heart.
DSF
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