Changes

Well its the first time i've written on this as a single man.  Im not gonna lie it feels ok. I've been struggling for a while with the whole fact that what i thought was permanent and for good is now nothing.  Im ok with that for now. I just hope that I can recover well and move on from this with lessons learned. Im pretty sure no one reads this anymore because i think the only person who did has moved on.

With that said allow me to speak freely....

First of all I dont want anyone to think that im gonna jump off a bridge or snap and go crazy.  I guess the only part of me that snapped is the side that was letting me go.  I wanted so much more for myself as a kid and wanted big things.... Somewhere along the way i forgot about that.  So this is my time to prove to myself that im worth doing something.  P90X is a good start.... I've decided that im gonna try to make my body and mind irresistable to women of my age and actually learn to live with myself and get my priorities straight. Yeah i may not have money and yeah i may not have sweet style but i feel like i can always get money and get style.... What i am is a GOOD GUY and with that comes a lot to offer to all girls, girlfriends and friends....    I have a lot to give, im just simply trying to regain me, feeling like what i have needs something equally as good if not better than me.... Im changing my standards. 

I wanna start in the dark.  I have lied in the past but regret it every day, I have made mistakes that haunt me every day, I hate the person who I've become everyday..... HCS for u I smoked and never told u.... It was only a couple times just to lighthen the load of being me.... Im sorry i didnt tell u.... I feel like me coming clean about this will lead to u telling me deeper things about u.....

Whether its something that people know or something u have never told anyone I want this to be the open door for feelings and weight.  We can confide in each other and lighten the load for each other.  Regardless of status on fb.  I dont want u to think that im going to be judgemental.... So i'll put it out there heres what i think u've never told anyone... T and U in the past broke down because of some bad mistakes made by both of u.... Berkley i feel like was just the one people found out about.... I mean if i were a guy and lived with 4 girls even if i did have a gf i would want to connect with someone physically.... It would be perfect if that person was in the same situation I was.... I think that there was a moment or two of fooling around between u 2 and that is perfectly ok.... U were young and just caught in the middle of a situation that no one can prepare for. No I dont think ur  any less of a person and I dont trust u any less if this were the case. HCS me and u share the physical aspect of our personality and a need to for lack of a better term get off lol.... I completely understand berkley and if it happened with others then thats fine because u ultimately punished urself enough for it. So if something did happen with others in the past other than T and HBS the III lol I would like to think that u would want me or someone to know.  Not because we need to know everything but because if u and the other party are the only two to know then its a load of stress that u must think about and kick urself for doing. I personally dont care if u did or didnt... Ill still hook up with u haha

Next the cali thing.
  I feel like with the whole sexual being thing happening and what happened with me and u in the hotel im really not sure if u did or didnt do something with T last week... I mean i would like to know yeah but ur not gonna tell me regardless. I get it yeah and its not like im gonna ask him for pointers because u have already said im the best so ill keep my title lol. 
  The other half of the cali thing is that i would really like to experience cali one day as ur bf and show u my glow and allow us to be simply happy. Maybe the bf part is too much idk i just feel like this is the type of thing between me and u that we cant stop from happening again. Unless ur dating someone or I am thats the only way to stop it. 

Next I mentioned to u earlier that i dont want u to lose urself this summer. BE THE FIRST YOU AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GREATNESS. I tell u this speaking from experience I lost myself a while ago and have to admit it led me to the darkest place in my life i regret getting here and regret letting it happen. I would turn back time and change the decisions that led me here. Not with u but with me.

Finally moving on is hard. But im dealing. If we can just keep the physical side of us that would be awesome... U know? Maybe we'll spice it up even more because its not love that drives us but passion.   Hannah i hope ur happy with everything and I hope u really do want to be single for a while and were not just clearing space for the future u imagined.

I'll leave this post with a metaphor that i just thought of.  In baseball hitters look for fastballs, Every relationship, decision, and plan are fastballs.... Life really happens when the pitcher throws the curveball... Im ur curveball that u can knock out of the park one day.  Maybe right now we're striking out and need to see a few more pitches but one day ur gonna get another look at this curveball.  If u decide to close ur eyes and swing letting go and allowing the contact to knock it out of the park then life will work out for u.  If u take the pitch and let it pass u by ur life will just simply be incomplete.  Maybe one day we'll decide that life is incomplete without each other and maybe one day we wont. That is solely up to God and how this plan he presents us with pans out.  Hopefully its for the best if not well then its not lol....

Thank you for reading and thank u for all of the memories I will truly never replace u in my heart.

DSF