Wrong message totally

Ok so i think somewhere in there u think that i am accusing u of being with other guys..... NOT THE CASE.... I was simply just stating that there is no need to kick urself, if u were, for what happened in the past.  Secondly I realize that we both need to step away from the whole physical aspect of things and even the emotional. I was simply saying down the road Im not gonna hold back because if something where we're both too drunk or just too into it the its supposed to happen.

Our relationship wasnt right and i agree with u.  Our good times were awesome and were amazing, but the bad times are and were way to much for both of us... All i was saying was that I wasnt going to rule out the option of something sparking between us again. Im not saying it will or wont but i am saying that love sometimes moves people away to test tehmselves, they fall out of love, then something happens when they fall back into it....

Ur right our lives are headed in different directions and ive told u a million times i cant have a gf because i need to regain me.  Idk what else i can say but in all reality HCS me and u dont really need this right now. Sorry if i were a little forward with my message and if i were just speaking to thin air.

All im saying that is i do want to be ur friend, if a hook up happens then it happens, not tomorrow or the next time i see u but maybe somewhere in spring quarter.  I think that feelings by that time would just be somewhat different and that they would not need to have any attachments afterwards.  Im not asking for exclusive hook ups or relationships, what i am asking for is a chance to be ur friend later when we're ready, a chance to maybe be a guy u bring home from a bar one time, somebody u dance with or somebody u flirt with. Thats all nothing more.....

I get how that can seem like its leading to something else, but in all actuality i dont want anything else, i just want myself back. Someone I lost a long time ago.... Maybe it was trying to please u or maybe someone else but I wasnt me and I wont be me until I focus on me.  Thats when my life heads in the right direction for me.

HCS I feel like there just needs to be one day of us just going back and for in person or on the phone just telling each other our feelings..... Just to vent because right now ur the only one that will listen.

The smoking thing.... I didnt tell u because when it happened things werent great, we were fighting and i didnt want to add to the stress and tension.... thats it.

Ultimately I just want the good times to keep happening and I want everything to just work out. Its gonna sting inside me for a while hell maybe even a year, but all I know is that I need to get myself back, thats something that selfishness in others doesnt help and smoking doesnt help. Im trying to move on I really am but HCS im cut pretty deep right now. My mind is telling me one thing, heart another, body another.

My mind is telling me to move on and focus on the fact that ur never coming back from cali when u go. That one day Im not gonna know u.  That one day we're gonna be changed so much that we dont even recognize each other.

My heart is telling me to wait.... for god knows how long, I wont dont worry but i wish there was an easy fix for this whole thing.

My body is saying that im a bum and didnt deserve u or anyone until i get myself back together.

With all of these combiined im headed down a long dark road with no one but me to pull me out, sure family is there and will talk but they have no clue what this is and how i feel.  The only thing that will cure me is time.

one foot in front of the other,

DSF

Changes

Well its the first time i've written on this as a single man.  Im not gonna lie it feels ok. I've been struggling for a while with the whole fact that what i thought was permanent and for good is now nothing.  Im ok with that for now. I just hope that I can recover well and move on from this with lessons learned. Im pretty sure no one reads this anymore because i think the only person who did has moved on.

With that said allow me to speak freely....

First of all I dont want anyone to think that im gonna jump off a bridge or snap and go crazy.  I guess the only part of me that snapped is the side that was letting me go.  I wanted so much more for myself as a kid and wanted big things.... Somewhere along the way i forgot about that.  So this is my time to prove to myself that im worth doing something.  P90X is a good start.... I've decided that im gonna try to make my body and mind irresistable to women of my age and actually learn to live with myself and get my priorities straight. Yeah i may not have money and yeah i may not have sweet style but i feel like i can always get money and get style.... What i am is a GOOD GUY and with that comes a lot to offer to all girls, girlfriends and friends....    I have a lot to give, im just simply trying to regain me, feeling like what i have needs something equally as good if not better than me.... Im changing my standards. 

I wanna start in the dark.  I have lied in the past but regret it every day, I have made mistakes that haunt me every day, I hate the person who I've become everyday..... HCS for u I smoked and never told u.... It was only a couple times just to lighthen the load of being me.... Im sorry i didnt tell u.... I feel like me coming clean about this will lead to u telling me deeper things about u.....

Whether its something that people know or something u have never told anyone I want this to be the open door for feelings and weight.  We can confide in each other and lighten the load for each other.  Regardless of status on fb.  I dont want u to think that im going to be judgemental.... So i'll put it out there heres what i think u've never told anyone... T and U in the past broke down because of some bad mistakes made by both of u.... Berkley i feel like was just the one people found out about.... I mean if i were a guy and lived with 4 girls even if i did have a gf i would want to connect with someone physically.... It would be perfect if that person was in the same situation I was.... I think that there was a moment or two of fooling around between u 2 and that is perfectly ok.... U were young and just caught in the middle of a situation that no one can prepare for. No I dont think ur  any less of a person and I dont trust u any less if this were the case. HCS me and u share the physical aspect of our personality and a need to for lack of a better term get off lol.... I completely understand berkley and if it happened with others then thats fine because u ultimately punished urself enough for it. So if something did happen with others in the past other than T and HBS the III lol I would like to think that u would want me or someone to know.  Not because we need to know everything but because if u and the other party are the only two to know then its a load of stress that u must think about and kick urself for doing. I personally dont care if u did or didnt... Ill still hook up with u haha

Next the cali thing.
  I feel like with the whole sexual being thing happening and what happened with me and u in the hotel im really not sure if u did or didnt do something with T last week... I mean i would like to know yeah but ur not gonna tell me regardless. I get it yeah and its not like im gonna ask him for pointers because u have already said im the best so ill keep my title lol. 
  The other half of the cali thing is that i would really like to experience cali one day as ur bf and show u my glow and allow us to be simply happy. Maybe the bf part is too much idk i just feel like this is the type of thing between me and u that we cant stop from happening again. Unless ur dating someone or I am thats the only way to stop it. 

Next I mentioned to u earlier that i dont want u to lose urself this summer. BE THE FIRST YOU AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO ACCOMPLISH YOUR GREATNESS. I tell u this speaking from experience I lost myself a while ago and have to admit it led me to the darkest place in my life i regret getting here and regret letting it happen. I would turn back time and change the decisions that led me here. Not with u but with me.

Finally moving on is hard. But im dealing. If we can just keep the physical side of us that would be awesome... U know? Maybe we'll spice it up even more because its not love that drives us but passion.   Hannah i hope ur happy with everything and I hope u really do want to be single for a while and were not just clearing space for the future u imagined.

I'll leave this post with a metaphor that i just thought of.  In baseball hitters look for fastballs, Every relationship, decision, and plan are fastballs.... Life really happens when the pitcher throws the curveball... Im ur curveball that u can knock out of the park one day.  Maybe right now we're striking out and need to see a few more pitches but one day ur gonna get another look at this curveball.  If u decide to close ur eyes and swing letting go and allowing the contact to knock it out of the park then life will work out for u.  If u take the pitch and let it pass u by ur life will just simply be incomplete.  Maybe one day we'll decide that life is incomplete without each other and maybe one day we wont. That is solely up to God and how this plan he presents us with pans out.  Hopefully its for the best if not well then its not lol....

Thank you for reading and thank u for all of the memories I will truly never replace u in my heart.

DSF

This one is just simply me in a nutshell

Ok so I feel like the past 6 months have been rocky at best.  We've had great times and we've had some pretty horrible times where i wasnt sure we were gonna last the night.... With that said i want to take this chance and try to make everything fit into its own place working for us.

Everything starts with time....
TIME= past, present, and future

Past- We got off to a rapid start waiting to connect with one another in person
 maybe this kind of set off the intense feelings because from my end i liked u so much just through phone calls and skype convos.... how could it not be love?
-Maybe that was where we started sprinting towards things that are not in our near future...

-1st being sexual
    -I love having sex with u, but we never had time to build to that level. u know the first kiss? the first makeout? the first hands? mouths? thats the part we skipped just getting to the climax and making it happen rather than allowing our lust override our feelings of love...... I believe thats where we went wrong sexually....
    -Lets get back to where a 6 month relationship should be... hook ups about discovering the unknown....

-2nd Emotional
    -We are both very affectionate beings that know what being hurt feels like, we both know what it feels like to have someone care so much about u that u feel on top of the world.... Rushing with words was our next fault.... Maybe we just never got a chance to just like each other. We just started loving too fast and lost the passion in the process.... I didnt gain the trust that comes with early phases of a relationship..... I am fixing that now. 
    -6 months and I do love u... but maybe we just love being around each other, the feeling of security, the feeling of maturity, and the feeling that something this great must be love.... I believe that we both got confused with the word love and the meaning to love.... My love for u sees no end. I love the way u can challenge me,, ur driven, ur accomplished, ur a leader, ur own person, ur just simply u.... take it or leave it. So yes i know now that i do love u.

-3rd Control
   -I know that im not the most giving person in the world.... but i am willing to give u all the space u need to feel not dependent on me... I need that feeling too.
   -I am sorry for trying to control ur life sometimes... its just that i think of us as a unit not just 2 people together making their own decisions... thats where im wrong. U make ur moves for u first and then us.<----its how its supposed to be.  Im ok with doing the same.
  -I admit i sometimes would manipulate situations to seems like a greater deal than they were making it seem like i have ammunition for when we faught.  I just dont like being wrong and im sorry for not being truthful in that sense.

PRESENT
Now we stand at crossroads where u and i disagree on a lot of things and butt heads not budging for anything.  I am making an effort in my head to change this and treat u like a lady and like a lady should be treated meaning no vulgarity no responses that are hurtful and so on........ NO MANIPULATION of any kind.

I need to focus on school and get out of college and u need to do the same.  Something i used to put second to us. 

We need more time apart.  Its not that i dont love  being around u its jsut that our friends help shape us and we need to be with them more often. together and separate. We both need our own alone time and these i intend to make happen.

No pressure.... there is no pressure for u to give more than u can.  I just hope that we can keep the same level if not a higher level of communication about wants, needs, and feelings.... Leaving less stress and pressure for both of us.

HONESTY I am going to be totally honest with u from now on. I hope u will do the same.

FUTURE:
  -Ur internship is ur internship. not mine so take where u want to take it.  its ur choice.  if u want me to come i will if not then say so.

 -No talk of babies, rings, weddings, dogs, or anything that involves a life that we both are not ready for.  I know we both eventually want those things but a matter of when and with can remain out of question and response.

  -IF NOTHING IN THIS BLOG MAKES SENSE TO U THEN I HOPE U JUST UNDERSTAND THESE FEW THINGS......
     -I WANT THIS TO WORK.
     -WE CAN CHANGE US AND GET US BACK TO THE BASICS
    -I WILL ALWAYS LOVE U AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE FOR U IN MY HEART.

with the most sincerity, and a hope of a brighter future,
    DSF

I miss u

Heres the one point i want to put out there.  I miss feeling your love throughout the day when ur tired and sick i want to take care of u like u want me to.  I feel like i havent been the best boyfriend recently and im sorry that its worked out the way it has.  I love every second of the day when im with u and i cant stand not being around u for more than 10 minutes.  Ur all thats on my mind all day and night and i just want u to feel like ur everything to me like u did in the beginning.  Miss u

Love u

Broken, Burned, Drifting, falling, turning, changing.......

Obviously we have reached a point where i am willing to change my life drastically to be with you.  I gotta be honest Im feeling like you do the same but dont stand by ur changes.  Of course this is not about me n u its about him.  I cant lie in sayin when i told you to go ahead and talk to him i wasnt exactly happy about it.    I kinda feel like i was forced into a situation where if i didnt change i would lose u so i changed 2 times because i didnt want to lose this.  Theres just gotta be some give back.

I dont know if u know this but when u try to hide that he texts u it just hurts even more.  It hurts because u would gladly lie to me to keep in touch with the person that makes me so insecure.  Ive wanted to tell u this since the beginning but i just kept getting the feeling that u wouldnt listen or u would tell me that he was such a big part of ur life that i just cant ask u to stop talking to him because u want to.  Well to be honest im a little shaken by it. Because the first time in the beginning i told u he wasnt after friendship he was after u. Turns out I was right.  I just hope u realize that it pushing me away to get closer to ur past.

If this is no use and u get mad at me for wanting a change then sorry i even spoke up. Guess i was just reading into it too much.  U told me once every couple weeks well its been consistently happening and i hope u can see that its hurting me.

I love u I really do but I just cant stand by and change everything about me for u if ur not willing to change one thing abotu the person who hurt u the most.

I hope u see what im seeing.

DSF

Starting with this

Ok so it has come to my attention that someone needs a little pep talk. Number one. Try not to let the pressure get to u. Its easier said than done but really its all gonna be better once u realize that there really isnt a problem. Eating right u do by urself. The weight isnt just gonna fall off at once it'll take time.  Try to calm down and let the love of the sport back u and drive u.

Thats all im writing because im falling asleep.
Peace Love and all of the above.
DSF

Life sucks then you die

I really dont know where to begin.... Lets see for the most part i've been living life and watching the time go by. I can't really complain except for in relationships.

My relationship status is still with hcs but i always seem to lose out. Idk how to explain it other than the fact that its not gonna be an even distribution to one another until something is overwith.  I cant really begin to explain why i cant just let her go do synchro and do what she wants.  It might be because the distance apart every weekend and the overall drama of the sport will kill me. I dont wanna be like her ex and say shes not committed to me but synchro always wins. So here I am again saying that I'm a loser because not even the girl of my dreams wants to be with me..........

I really thought when she said Im not doing it it actually meant something for our future. Guess not.  It hurts really really bad because i give up my closest friends to be with her and she puts us on hold for what is understandably a remarkable dream I just dont think i can wait. I want to but weekends together will be gone, a year together will be gone, italy together will be gone. I guess I really am the loser bf.  I am so mentally tired from all this nonsense I dont care anymore. Hcs if u go i cant wait so if im still here when u get back call me.  I guess life goes on and there is nothing anyone can do about the pain, anger, negativity, and drama that comes with time.   LIFE SUCKS THEN YOU DIE..............